I believe it’s common to unexpectedly think you see a person you have lost. Today I’m posting a poem a wrote about thinking I saw Jim when I was riding on the bike path. Bicycles were always a part of our family. Jim rode to Sandia Prep when he taught there, then he opened a bicycle and moped shop, and now our son Charlie makes custom built bikes as O’Leary Built Bicycles. https://olearybuiltbicycles.com/ The picture I’m posting here is of one of the first bicycles Charlie made that he gave to Jim.
The Bike Path
Today your memory surprises me, appearing on the bicycle path
past the duck pond, on the way to the South Valley, a perfect double.
You’re in your prime like they told us we would be in heaven.
It’s true for you. You’re at your best.
It’s the muscles in your legs that get me.
I was always attracted to your body.
From the time you were a boy.
Smooth back curving in, strong legs,
your own walk.
I don’t remember the first time I saw you.
I don’t remember a time I didn’t know you.
One day you were in my life.
You appeared, like today on the bike path.
How I romanticize you, but why not.
Why remember the pain, the sickness,
feelings of failure, of loss, of despair,
when you lost weight, when your body
seemed to fail you, when chemo made you sick.
Of course I remember that. But I also remember
the opposite, and it was just as true, just as real.
Even now, when I think I’m alone
I come upon you.
Today is the anniversary of the day Jim and I were married 56 years ago. It’s been five years now since he passed, and I am just becoming comfortable with calling myself a widow. I don’t know why I was so reluctant. Maybe because in my mind I pictured a bent-over old lady dressed in black from head to toe, shuffling around aimlessly and whose life was essentially over, too. Who would want to be that? Never mind that after he died there were days I felt like wearing a burqa if I had to go out in public. And I wasn’t the Merry Widow because I was in my seventies when Jim died and I wasn’t rich. So I was doing widowhood the way most American widows do, my own way.
Not many women have written about widowhood. I have now because I am ready to own it. The Random House Dictionary has a straightforward definition of widow. A widow is a woman who has lost her husband by death and has not remarried. That’s about as factual as you can get. It doesn’t say anything about how it feels, because it’s different for everyone, or what you should do after, because there are no shoulds, or what your life will be like, because that’s pretty much up to you although it has something to do with the society you come from.
I’ve been thinking about what it means from a personal point of view to be a widow. This is my point of view: daughter of Italian-American immigrants who grew up during the economic boom after WW II in the American Midwest, went to Catholic schools, got married, had two children because we believed in zero population growth and because we didn’t want any more, taught kindergarten, graduated from law school at the age of 41, practiced law in Albuquerque, NM, and spent a lot of time caring for my husband who had a liver transplant when he was 53, which gave him 20 more years to enjoy life and experience a number of debilitating illnesses. It was a mixed bag. It was wonderful. It was heartbreaking. It was living life.
Then I became a widow. And it, too, is heartbreaking, wonderful, and living life.
Among many things I don’t like about being a being a widow and I specifically miss about Jim is how he could talk me down after I’ve had too big a dose of news. Especially now when we have to make a point to find joy in our lives. I needed Jim last night before I went to sleep. After I watched Republicans attack our top FBI Russian spy master and our president attack our NATO allies and of course the latest about the separated children, I slept fitfully and woke with a migraine. During my yoga class I realized I felt as if I should be worrying about all those things, that it’s my job. Then, at COSTCO, I began to realize that those feelings were a sign I needed to slow down and take stock of what I can do something about and what I can’t – just as the Serenity Prayer says.
I’m doing what I can about the political situation. I’m registering young people to vote. I’m voting myself. I’m trying to keep myself on an even keel and to be kind. I’m spending time with family and friends, writing poetry, laughing, and trying to do what Buckminster Fuller said – stand and turn around in a circle and see what needs to be done. He said that if everyone did that, the world would be taken care of. And I think that’s what most of us are doing in these trying times. We have to be there for each other and remind each other . . .
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
As a widow, I have a great desire to believe in life after death. While I sat by my husband, Jim’s, side as he passed away, I felt strongly that the non-physical part of him did not cease to exist. I believe he went to another dimension that I don’t know or understand.
I played a CD for both of us to listen to as I sat there, a favorite song we used to dance to: Louis Armstrong singing A Kiss to Build a Dream On. Two years later, I brought Jim’s ashes to Hawaii. While there, my brother Chuck and I went to a little cafe on the way to Kealekekua Bay on the Big Island. There was no music until we sat down to order. Then I heard Louie singing “Give me one kiss before you leave me and my imagination will make that moment live.” I felt that Jim was with me on my first trip to Hawaii after his death.
Yesterday, the day before Father’s Day, I took my grandson, Shamus, to lunch. We ordered and were waiting for our food to come, watching the World Cup. Then I heard Louie again, singing Kiss to Build a Dream On. I knew Jim was somehow with me and Shamus as we enjoyed lunch together. It was a day I didn’t believe in coincidences.
Here are some affirmations for abundance we’re going to talk about in my Spiritual Economics class tonight.
I establish myself in the limitless substance of God, and I have abundance.
I am the child of a loving, giving, and abundant Parent.
I am a child of the Universe, richly endowed with the fullness of All-Good.
The Universe is on my side; Life is forever biased in my favor.
As much as I can conceive and believe, I can achieve.
I’m excited about teaching a class in Spiritual Economics by Eric Butterworth. At the very beginning of the book he gives his definition of prosperity: “Prosperity is a way of living and thinking, and not just money or things. Poverty is a way of living and thinking, and not just a lack of money or things.”
This quote reminded me of a conversation I had with my mother about inviting more people for dinner. I remember telling her I didn’t think our house was big enough. “Your Nano use to say that your home is as big as your heart,” she told me. That’s the last time I said we didn’t have enough room for someone.
This class begins on September 14 at the Rio Grande Center for Spiritual Living. If you are interested in signing up for the class click here. http://www.riograndecenterforspiritualliving.org/adult-education/ . We have plenty of room.
My Nasty Woman tee shirt got a few glances this morning on my usual walk. I haven’t worn it since the election, because I didn’t want to add to the noise and polarization in the country. But I am so upset with what has happened since the election that I have decided to speak out and to encourage other like-minded grandmothers to join me.
What I’m concerned with today didn’t start with the new administration, but it is aggravated by the new climate of “take care of your own and to hell with everyone else.” Reading the article about the killing of 15 year-old Jordan Edwards in Texas left me with a heavy heart. I have a 16 year-old grandson. It didn’t take much for me to empathize with Jordan’s family. All I know to do today is to say that I care, that I object strenuously to this killing, and that as a “white” grandmother I know that what hurts one child in this country hurts all of us. I am sorry for a culture that allows this to continue.
When my husband of 50 years died after a long period of medical complications following a liver transplant, I was astounded by the emotions I felt that I did not want to talk about. To understand what I was experiencing, I wrote a poem almost every day for two months starting with the day after he died. Some days there were complete poems, some days only a few lines. These pages recount the experience of reflecting on the
life we had together, what is was like to be alone for the first time, and wondering who I would become without Jim. The book is available at Amazon. com .
Here is the first poem.
March 9, 2013
On the day of our 50th wedding anniversary
I had to put sliced cucumbers on my eyes
to shrink the puffiness.
Your feet were hurting.
You felt you couldn’t stand.
But we went to the party
planned by our children.
My eyes were better.
You could stand.
We were showered with blessings,
love and good wishes.
Then, seven months later, you left your body.
Now you’re the light shining in the clouds,
the leaves rustling in the wind,
the river swirling in the eddy.
You’re a paradox.
Here and not here.
You who believed and didn’t.
You had faith in yourself –
in me, in our children.
You were rarely afraid.
This is everyone’s favorite poem of mine. I wanted to pass it along to you.
LOVE AND FUN
I don’t know anything
especially what I used to especially
about what people should do or
why life is the way it is or what
brings happiness except for
living in the now difficult and
trite as that is. Now is
all we have, now is where
to find joy and happiness, now
nobody knows, least of all me.
I saw it yesterday in a cottonwood tree
heard it in a bird song. It’s
in beauty and kindness
and of course love.
I’m sorry I have no answers.
The older I am the less I know.
I’m only good for love and fun.
After dropping my houseguests Jack and Jean at the Kona airport for their flight back to San Diego, I decided to go to a local state park near the shopping area to read and watch for whales. As I slung my beach chair over my shoulder I noticed there were more men than women enjoying the beach. Not necessarily a bad thing. I found a shady spot for my chair and said hi to the man sitting at the picnic table under the next tree before getting out my book.
In clearly articulated speech he told me that the Kona coast where we were was the warmest place in the United States, but that there was a place one degree warmer in China, his next destination. He then proceeded to tell me his theory of everything, how everything had the same attributes, and how the purpose of law (since he asked my occupation) was to find the best result for the client as quickly as possible, and that was the law of science and engineering that governed all things. I thought that was an interesting and probably worthwhile goal of law and chatted for a few minutes. I excused myself to my book, remembering to tell myself that I was safe, he probably wasn’t dangerous, there were people around who would help me if needed. After a few other of his soliloquys, I stopped mm-hmming and kept looking at the ocean. I saw two whale incidents that included breaching, flukes, and spouts and read several pages. When he asked/ declared that my husband was not out enjoying the day, I said no and several minutes later decided it was too warm to sit outside much longer. Maybe I was sitting in the hottest place in the US.
I then went for comfort food groceries to help me forget Jean and Jack had gone. To my delight and after striking out at Island Naturals I found Barbara’s cheese puffs (original, baked) at the KTA. All I needed then was some POG (papaya, orange, guava) a favorite drink since my first plane ride to Maui 30 years ago. I also picked up some graham crackers, which I bought in memory of Jim.
Well-fortified, I made my way up the windy road to my beautiful home on the Big Island. Who says life isn’t full of possibilities?!