This is how to be a martyr. Do something you don’t want to do because someone else wants you or needs you to do it. It helps if they could do it themselves but they don’t. When you’re doing it, adopt the attitude that you are making a sacrifice for someone who probably doesn’t appreciate it, or even care if you do it. Then furrow your eyebrows and make your mouth into a little grim smile that could at any second become a frown. It helps your martyr credentials if you can get a physical pain associated with the work, like a backache. A headache’s OK, too. Now, for the payoff. If you’re lucky, someone will say, “Isn’t she wonderful?,” meaning you. If you’re really good at martyrdom, you will not only do something you don’t want to do, but at the same time, because of it, you will be prevented from doing something you want to do. That’s like winning the daily double.

 I did something today that needed to be done and that I had put off doing for three months. It was a nasty job, and I don’t want to talk about it. For various reasons, today was the day to do it. I had just returned from my acupuncture appointment for my back and headaches. When I began the project, I started to feel as if my headache was coming back. Then I thought, “I’m being such a martyr!” The headache goes along with it. I picture myself like a saint burning at the stake, hands tied behind me, flames licking up my sackcloth skirt. No wonder my head hurts.

 Being a martyr comes easily to me. I’m not sure where I learned it. I think it’s genetic. I’m not proud of it. There’s hope, though. When you get sick of being a martyr and realize the part of martyrdom that’s true is that people don’t appreciate the extent of your suffering, you can decide to stop. This is not easy. Effective martyr behavior takes years of practice and becomes ingrained. It is like an addiction. So you have to get out the big guns. These are my suggestions for joining the ranks of Recovering Martyrs.

1.  Say no to others. They will be shocked that you aren’t doing the martyr thing, but they will get over it. They might try to guilt-trip you. Don’t fall for it.
2. Say no to yourself. The hardest person to say no to is yourself. You will feel guilty for not doing all the things that make you such a good martyr, and while you’re weaning yourself away from it, if you need to feel bad, go ahead and feel guilty. You’ll still feel a little bad, but you will have more time to yourself. 
3. Do something nice for yourself. When I finished the icky martyr job I did today, I went into the house and sat down with my favorite crossword puzzle and a glass of lemonade. That felt luxurious.
4. Make a list of things you like to do and do them. Start doing those things instead of the martyr activities. You will find this to be more fun.
5. Twenty times a day, write “I am a good person.” You will need to rewire the part of your brain that says you’re a bad person for not filling the martyr role. While you’re writing this affirmation, smile. Get rid of that little frown. This activity may also eliminate the lines between your eyebrows. This is easier and cheaper than Botox.

 Besides the usefulness of these five steps, I’ve learned to watch out for that little voice that says “You should . . . .” Sometimes it’s right, and I should, like I should fix dinner for my husband when he doesn’t feel well. But most often it’s the voice of the martyr, and I really shouldn’t, like I shouldn’t run for the board of my homeowners’ association after I have already been president twice. I’ve also learned that while there certainly is a payoff to being a martyr (people usually like martyrs if you’re quiet about it), it is seriously outweighed by the cost in headaches, backaches, lines between the forehead, not being able to do what you want, etc. Believe me, having your own life is much better than being burned at the stake.

What do you want? From a toddler demanding Mine! to an adult deciding what kind of clothes to buy, the question is important. In fact, it is one of the most powerful and life-changing questions you can ask yourself. The answers provide important clues to who we are and what we want out of life. (My caveat for this idea is that we have to be in the present and accept our lives as they are while at the same time acknowledging there is more we want, but that’s another blog.)

 Being aware of desires and preferences provides clues to how to express our unique self. What kind of music do we like? What’s our favorite food? How do we spend our free time? What kind of work is fulfilling? Answering these questions not only gives us a picture of our likes and dislikes, it can lead to recognizing our deeply held values. I like good food, cooking, and eating with people. The value those things relate to for me is sharing meals with family and friends. That’s important to me. Identifying those values helps me decide I’d rather spend the afternoon cooking an Italian meal for friends than ironing sheets and pillowcases. We can go from knowing what we like to understanding the values we use to make more fulfilling choices.

Many of us have trouble knowing what we really want except at the most superficial levels. Someone will usually start with the most common of things – a new house or car, an exciting vacation, and then maybe move on to helping relatives and friends. After we have the basics of American life, what we really want is the feeling we think we’ll get from having more things – feeling okay, worthwhile, secure, carefree, loved

A 2010 study by Princeton economist Angus Deaton and psychologist Daniel Kahneman found that after people earn $75,000 a year (see my post for February, 2011, titled You’ve Won the Lottery), more money has no measurable effect on day-to-day contentment. Up to that amount, as people earn more, day-to-day happiness rises. But once they hit $75,000, it is just more stuff, with no gain in happiness.

Identifying our desires can help us to better understand our values. That in turn helps us to make better choices for our lives. Knowing what we want, and then understanding what is really our heart’s desire, can lead to the life of our dreams.

For many of us who have already won the lottery of life (see last month’s blog), it is more difficult to receive than to give. We expect to give, and we do. We give to our favorite charities, to politicians, to disaster relief funds, to our children. Giving is a part of the wealthy and celebrity way of life. Just think of Oprah’s audience surprises – a trip to Australia! And in 2006 Warren Buffett, the world’s second-richest man, donated 85% of his fortune to the Bill Gates Foundation.

The size of the gift doesn’t matter. The lavishness of the rich is balanced by the gift of the widow in the New Testament whose generosity was praised because she gave all that she had, her last two mites, to the temple. I was impressed with Precious Ramotswe’s idea in Alexander McCall’s Smith  No. 1 Ladies  Detective Agency’s series that if you have a job, you should hire someone to clean your house because you can afford it. It shares the wealth. It keeps money circulating. It’s fulfilling to share our blessings.

Receiving is just as important as giving. I bet we all have generous friends who won’t accept a gift. Refusing a gift doesn’t much harm the intended recipient, but it surely affects the giver because it keeps her from experiencing the benefit of generosity. It also keeps her goods from being put into circulation and benefiting society as a whole.

When we refuse to receive, we’re saying, “There is nothing you can give me that I could want or use. I have everything I need. I have so much I won’t take anything from you.” Or even, “I have more than you.” When we don’t accept a gift, we stop the flow of giving and receiving, and we rebuff the potential giver. We make the giver feel small and insignificant.

When we accept a gift, we allow the giver to feel abundant. We allow the giver to participate in something bigger than herself.  I remember how proud I was the first time I bought a mother’s day gift for my mom with my own money. It was a pin that encircled the word “Mother” in gold. It cost 50 cents. I felt so grown up giving it to her. Giving allows the giver to participate in the flow of life. Giving feels good. Giving says, “I am abundant. I have more than enough, and I want to give some of it to you.”

When we receive a gift, we allow the giver to feel abundance; we participate in the circulation of money, time, goods, kindness. Do something good for someone today – receive their gift.

Because my book group was reading Half the Sky, by Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn, I drove up to Santa Fe to hear Kristof speak. A cheerful, unassuming, and incredibly committed man, the first thing he said as he looked out over the audience was “We’ve already won the lottery. If you are sitting here, you have already won the lottery.” I couldn’t get that thought out of my mind.

 What would it mean for you to win the lottery?

 For those of us listening to Nicholas Kristof, we had the freedom to buy a ticket, to leave our homes and go out in the evening, to have dinner in a restaurant before the talk, to congregate with others of like mind, to buy a book if we wanted to, to be safe, to have electricity to light the theater, to have fresh water to drink from water fountains. In short, an evening that many people in the world could never hope for. An evening of luxury people living one hundred years ago could never imagine.  

 For most people, the fantasy of winning the lottery includes the idea of freedom. Never having to work again. Having what you want. Paying off all your bills. Ideas that have to do with money. But I think the real idea of freedom is not simply having what you want, but being who you want to be. And feeling like you’ve always wanted to feel. What would it feel like to have anything you wanted? To be who you secretly know you could be? What if you could have those feelings now?

 This is about happiness. What does happiness mean to you?  We assume we’d be happier if we won the lottery. But we don’t need to wait for such an unlikely phenomenon. Happiness usually results from living according to our values or attaining a goal of our own choosing. Happiness has to do with feelings of worthiness and belonging, with feeling accepted for being oneself, with feelings of well-being. It’s much more than having money.

 Pretend you just won the lottery. What would your life be like if you were free to choose the life you wanted? (And, for the most part, you are.) Get into the feeling of what it would be like. Carefree? Relaxed? Open to possibilities? Taken care of? Lucky?  (Surely lucky!) Take a deep breath and feel those good feelings. Then, from that place, make a schedule of your perfect day. Here’s an example of a relaxed and worry-free day.

  7:00 – 8:30    Arise, make coffee, read, journal, meditate

  8:30 – 9:30    Eat breakfast, shower, dress

  9:30 – 12:00  Work/create/volunteer

12:00 – 1:30    Exercise

 1:30 – 2:30     Lunch and rest

 2:30 – 4:30     Write poetry, play music, be with friends, take care of living issues                     

4:30 – 6:30      Fix and eat dinner

7:30  –             Visit with friends, read, watch tv and movies, take classes

 Another example of a perfect day comes from my brother John. John is 16 years younger than I am, the baby of the family, and has a more relaxed view of life than I do. When I visited John and Nancy at their home in China, this was how we spent our day and how John likes to spend his day wherever he is: eat a little, work a little, shop a little, rest a little. That’s not a bad schedule, especially when resting includes anything else you like to do.

What would your perfect day look like? Write it down.

Once you have written out your perfect day, take one of the items in your list and add some detail. For example, you could expand “exercise” into “join a hiking group, walk three times a week, train for a triathlon.” The possibilities are limitless.

 Begin to have it, do it, be it, now. Choose one change you want to make and commit to it.  Then set a time to go back to your list on a regular basis to see if you are having, doing, being what you want. Remember, you’ve already won lottery!

I know, I know. You can’t pick up a women’s magazine or self-help book these days without reading an article about gratitude. So before you say “enough already,” I want to remind you (and myself) why being grateful is so important.

I used to think that being grateful for things like fresh air, clean water, plenty of food didn’t really count. I wanted to be able to be grateful for having a lot of money, being the best lawyer in America, having a new big house and fancy car.  Those things are all great. I wouldn’t mind having them. But after having lived through my husband’s serious illnesses and seeing my friends come forward with love, food, and comfort I am more able to sit with my life and be grateful for what I have each day. That’s where I find peace and serenity. In the present of the present.

This deep feeling of true gratitude is similar to the feeling I get when I’m sitting beside a stream in the Sandia Mountains or when I’ve stepped outside on a clear night to look at the stars. I call it Oneness or Enlightenment or Peace.  And I think that’s what we’re looking for when we have a case of what my sister calls “the I wants.” We don’t really want the new car as much as we want the feeling of deserving or being able to buy the new car. We want to feel serene. We want to know we’re OK. We want to be peaceful.

When we feel serene we look at life through those wonderful rose-colored glasses. Life is good, our children are doing fine, our house is perfect, our job is fun, our significant other is the right one. That’s the feeling of gratitude. And I don’t know about you, but that is where I want to live. In the appreciation of the present.

So – keeping a gratitude journal is not only a good idea, it works. It gets you out of the resentful past or the fearful future and into the present. It works especially well when you don’t want to use it. Get a blank book. A pretty journal or a notebook that feels good and that you like to write in. Put it next to your bed. Before you go to sleep, make a list of ten things you’re grateful for. It doesn’t matter what they are. Begin today and see what happens. I bet you’ll find more and more things to be grateful for and in the process more peace.

I have just finished Geneen Roth’s Women Food and God, An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything (Scribner, 2010) and want to pass along some of my favorite ideas from the book. I’m one of those millions of American women who have spent hours, days, years, obsessing about my weight, even though if I had been born in another era I would have had the perfect body.

 It’s true I had been a chubby little girl who wore a 6X dress for my First Holy Communion, but my grandmother always told me I looked healthy. I didn’t consider dieting until high school, and then only vaguely thought about it. It would have been difficult to do anything about it anyway, living in an Italian-American family where cooking and eating took center stage and both were signs of love.

My first thought about being the wrong size was seeing a picture of Twiggy in Life Magazine in 1967. (I just found on Wikipedia that in 1966 Twiggy was 16 years old, 5’6″ tall, weighed 91 pounds, and had a 31-22-32 figure. Did I ever really think I could look like that?! ) I had gained ‘baby weight’ and stopped smoking, and thus began the years of wishing I could weigh 10 pounds less and always focusing on what was wrong with my body.

  Enter Women Food and God. A client told me she had begun this book, so I picked it up to see what she was reading. Of course there was something in it for me. And I want to pass these things along to you.

For me, the book is about using our bodies, our food, this material life, as a doorway to stillness, spirit, god, peace, whatever you call that ineffable sense of wholeness that comes to us in moments of grace. Some people call it their Higher Power. Some people call it God, and, as a mutual friend of the wonderful journalist Molly Ivans told me, Molly called it Fred.

It’s about creating a weight problem in order to distract ourselves from our lives.

It’s about using weight as a way to keep us believing we’re not OK.

It’s about the voice I call the Saboteur that keeps us up in the night, and how meditation helps us to see that voice for the lie it really is.

It’s about acceptance—accepting life as it is, living in the now.

Women Food and God reminded me that everything I want, need, or look forward to I actually have now. I love where Geneen writes, “We don’t want to eat hot fudge sundaes as much as we want our lives to be hot fudge sundaes.” That’s a perfect description of how what we want to have, whether it’s a new car, a new pair of shoes, or a hot fudge sundae, is really about who we want to be. It’s true those things will make us feel special, worthy, finally OK. . . for a few minutes. But as Geneen shows us, we can bypass the intermediary things and know that right here, right now, we are as shiny as new car, as special as a new pair of shoes, and as warm and sweet as a hot fudge sundae.

Pick up this book for some thoughts on living and loving your life right now.

After a recent scare during which Jim was hospitalized, I came up with a few rules “For the Wife Who Has to Take her Husband to the ER.” This is partly as a result of people asking me if I was taking care of myself. How are you supposed to take care of yourself while running back and forth to the hospital, plus taking care of the dog, your work and other issues? Well, this is how.

Rule 1. Buy yourself a pair of new shoes. It doesn’t matter if you need them or not. It doesn’t really matter if you’ll ever wear them. If there’s enough money for the extra costs of illness, and there always is, there is money for a pair of shoes.  For some reason, most women find it impossible to worry while they’re buying shoes. It will give you a good break from caregiving, almost as good as watching “Sleepless in Seattle” for the tenth time.

Rule 2. Particularly if Step One got you a pair of sandals, but even if it didn’t, get a pedicure. A manicure would be good, too. Sitting in a soft chair while your hands and feet soak in warm water feels really good. It’s also hard to worry while someone is massaging your tootsies. Your only decision for the next hour is whether you want pink, red, or purple polish. I opted for purple.

Rule 3. You can eat whatever you want. If the hospitalization of a spouse is good for anything, it’s good for giving you a dispensation to seriously fall off whatever diet you happen to be on. One of the best times I had while Jim was in the hospital last week was sitting on his bed and sharing a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Mint Chocolate Cookie ice cream with him. Warning: too many lattes can be bad for your nerves.

Rules 4-8. Then there are the good old stand-by rules for difficult times: call on family, let friends help and support you, pray, meditate, and stay in the present. Let me know if you have any other tricks.

I began thinking about making lists when I was a kid. A wooden plaque with pegs and a list of groceries hung on our kitchen wall. I would stare at it while I was eating breakfast, and I can still remember the first column of the list. “Apples, bacon, bread, butter, cereal, cigarettes, coffee, crackers, eggs, flour, lard, lemons, milk . . . .” (That tells you something about the times –bacon, cigarettes, lard?!)

 People use lists in different ways. My friend Libby once told her son how important it was to make lists so that you could cross the items off. She said he looked at her as if she were crazy. And another friend is always pleased to put a new country on her list of places she’s visited. Lists are still helpful to me. I am more organized when I can consult my list during the course of the day. It also gives me a sense of accomplishment to look at the list at the end of the day and see what I’ve done.

 One recent morning I was looking out my window at the mountains and making my list for the day, when I also thought about who I wanted to be that day. Another way of saying that is, “What qualities did I want to bring to the things I do?” That day I wanted to experience joy, gratitude, health and well being, and love. So I made that column one on my paper. My to-do list (what I wanted to do) included writing a flyer for our homeowners association’s long-range planning committee, working on my website, and exercising. That was column two. I didn’t stop there, though, and made a third column on my paper to write down why I was doing those things. I remembered that I was going to work on the flyer about distributing free fluorescent light bulbs because I am interested in our association’s reducing its carbon footprint so that we can be part of the climate change solution. Also, I am involved my association because it’s important to me to support my community and encourage a sense of connection. And I write my blog to connect, to give people ideas and tools to be more fulfilled, and that, I hope, leads to a better world. I want to exercise to keep my body and brain in as good shape as I can. Those are some of my ‘whys.’ In column four I wrote down when I wanted to do these activities. This  four-column list reminded me why I was choosing to do certain things, and what I wanted to bring to them.

 If you want to try this, take a piece of notebook paper or printer paper, turn it sideways, and divide it into four columns. Label the columns at the top Who, What, Why, and When. The first column is who you want to be that day. What qualities are you bringing to the world? The second column is what you want to do, the usual to-do list. Third is why you are doing it. I suggest making the ‘why’ as broad as you can (like the man who was erecting a cathedral as opposed to his co-worker who was just laying stones). In the fourth column put the time you plan to take action. See what kind of awareness this kind of list brings you as you live your day.

 P.S. The day I made this list I ended up spending most of the morning talking to my siblings to make arrangements for a trip we had planned. And I didn’t get to the blog. But I did work on the flyer and take a walk that day. And I did feel more joyful, more connected, and more grateful.

If I were to graph the months for my mood, January would be at the bottom of the chart. And not in a good way. Though I always cheerfully and hopefully celebrate the sun’s return at the Winter Solstice on December 21, there comes a time, like now, in the middle of January, when it doesn’t feel as if the sun is going to return. And that’s true even in New Mexico, even on a sunny, 50 degree day like today. It feels to me that although the weather might be good enough to be outside doing things, my body and mind are telling me to slow down, get quiet, clear out my head, and rest. And then I remember nothing’s wrong, it’s just time to take a breath or two and be with this quiet time of short days.

 Which leads me to the question I am regularly asked of whether a person will benefit from coaching if he or she doesn’t want to accomplish something. The answer is Yes. One of the principles of Co-active Coaching is to “forward the action and deepen the learning.” So even if a client is not forwarding the action, she can be deepening her learning.  Some clients need coaching to do less. Their lives are so full that they don’t have any down time, or so hectic that they go from one emergency to another, or so full of turmoil that they are running from one crisis to another. So it helps them to look at what they have to say no to in order to have the life they want. That’s similar to what I do at this time of year. I ask myself how to quiet down. How can I really experience every moment of my life?

 I work with clients who want to live more in the present. Their lives may be fine and full, but these folks want the real, juicy, moment-to-moment experience of life. They want to be at work while they’re at work, fully engaging with their colleagues and clients, and they want to be fully with their families when they’re at home, enjoying their spouses or playing with their children. These people manage to get a short walk in during the day, to look at the trees or the mountains, or take a few minutes to breathe deeply. Their goal is to be in the stuff of living life. Not to be where they were, or where they’re going. But to be right here. This can take even more focus and attention than accomplishing a more tangible goal.

For me, choosing to live a life of fulfillment requires me to challenge myself, even if it is to do less. So I’m going to work with my coach this month on how to slow things down so that I can figure out what I really want right now, what I want to do or not do, and what I can take off my plate to enjoy life more and just to be.

I hope 2009 was a fulfilling year for you. When I think over what’s made it fulfilling for me, I find myself thinking about my values. Fulfillment and values go together. Fulfillment is one of the three major principles in the Co-Active Coaching Model. (The other two are Balance and Process. See Whitworth, et al., Co-Active Coaching, 2d Ed.) Living according to our own values is at the center of a life of fulfillment. Helping clients identify their values and then pointing out when values are honored is one of the primary ways as a Co-Active Coach I support my clients to lead a life of fulfillment.

We can identify our values by looking at experiences we enjoyed and asking what values we honored. Giving a reading of my new book that most of my friends attended at my favorite book store in Albuquerque was one of the most fulfilling events of the year for me. The values I expressed through having the book signing were self-expression, communication, family, friendship, fun, and supporting local businesses.

We can also identify our values by looking at experiences that we didn’t enjoy and asking what values were not being honored or were being stepped on. I will never forget representing a small company against my better judgment many years ago. The values I stepped on in taking that work were integrity, using my intuition, not taking work I don’t like just for the money. The yucky feeling I had was the lack of resonance that came from ignoring my values. The best I can say is that I learned from that experience and finally ended the engagement.

 What is the impact of your values on your life? Knowing your values can help you make decisions. For example, answering the question, how many hours do I want to work, is much easier and more satisfying when it is done in the context of values. Is one of your values work? If you like to work, working long hours will feel different than if you hate your job. Or if your primary value is spending time with family and friends, you’ll probably be happier working less than more. Ranking your values will help you identify your priorities.  

 Your personal values and the choices you make can be thought of as a feedback loop. For example, thinking about where I’d like to be in five years also helps me think about my values, and knowing my values helps me answer the question of where I’d like to be. I’m currently enjoying Phillip Moffit’s book, Dancing with Life.  He says, “In my experience, what makes life worthwhile is living from your deepest or core values.” Being aware of your values helps you make fulfilling choices and avoid betraying yourself.

One way to get in touch with your values is to picture yourself in your favorite place. What’s it like? Who’s there? How do you feel? Describe your surroundings. Another visualization is to see yourself creating a new World According To You. When I do that, I think about how children are well-cared for and respected, natural resources are used sustainably, people are free to be creative, people’s unique gifts are fostered.

 Keeping a list of your values to refer to and add to over time will help you make more fulfilling choices.