It’s true I had been a chubby little girl who wore a 6X dress for my First Holy Communion, but my grandmother always told me I looked healthy. I didn’t consider dieting until high school, and then only vaguely thought about it. It would have been difficult to do anything about it anyway, living in an Italian-American family where cooking and eating took center stage and both were signs of love.

My first thought about being the wrong size was seeing a picture of Twiggy in Life Magazine in 1967. (I just found on Wikipedia that in 1966 Twiggy was 16 years old, 5′6″ tall, weighed 91 pounds, and had a 31-22-32 figure. Did I ever really think I could look like that?! ) I had gained ‘baby weight’ and stopped smoking, and thus began the years of wishing I could weigh 10 pounds less and always focusing on what was wrong with my body.

  Enter Women Food and God. A client told me she had begun this book, so I picked it up to see what she was reading. Of course there was something in it for me. And I want to pass these things along to you.

For me, the book is about using our bodies, our food, this material life, as a doorway to stillness, spirit, god, peace, whatever you call that ineffable sense of wholeness that comes to us in moments of grace. Some people call it their Higher Power. Some people call it God, and, as a mutual friend of the wonderful journalist Molly Ivans told me, Molly called it Fred.

It’s about creating a weight problem in order to distract ourselves from our lives.

It’s about using weight as a way to keep us believing we’re not OK.

It’s about the voice I call the Saboteur that keeps us up in the night, and how meditation helps us to see that voice for the lie it really is.

It’s about acceptance—accepting life as it is, living in the now.

Women Food and God reminded me that everything I want, need, or look forward to I actually have now. I love where Geneen writes, “We don’t want to eat hot fudge sundaes as much as we want our lives to be hot fudge sundaes.” That’s a perfect description of how what we want to have, whether it’s a new car, a new pair of shoes, or a hot fudge sundae, is really about who we want to be. It’s true those things will make us feel special, worthy, finally OK. . . for a few minutes. But as Geneen shows us, we can bypass the intermediary things and know that right here, right now, we are as shiny as new car, as special as a new pair of shoes, and as warm and sweet as a hot fudge sundae.

Pick up this book for some thoughts on living and loving your life right now.

Rule 1. Buy yourself a pair of new shoes. It doesn’t matter if you need them or not. It doesn’t really matter if you’ll ever wear them. If there’s enough money for the extra costs of illness, and there always is, there is money for a pair of shoes.  For some reason, most women find it impossible to worry while they’re buying shoes. It will give you a good break from caregiving, almost as good as watching “Sleepless in Seattle” for the tenth time.

Rule 2. Particularly if Step One got you a pair of sandals, but even if it didn’t, get a pedicure. A manicure would be good, too. Sitting in a soft chair while your hands and feet soak in warm water feels really good. It’s also hard to worry while someone is massaging your tootsies. Your only decision for the next hour is whether you want pink, red, or purple polish. I opted for purple.

Rule 3. You can eat whatever you want. If the hospitalization of a spouse is good for anything, it’s good for giving you a dispensation to seriously fall off whatever diet you happen to be on. One of the best times I had while Jim was in the hospital last week was sitting on his bed and sharing a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Mint Chocolate Cookie ice cream with him. Warning: too many lattes can be bad for your nerves.

Rules 4-8. Then there are the good old stand-by rules for difficult times: call on family, let friends help and support you, pray, meditate, and stay in the present. Let me know if you have any other tricks.

 People use lists in different ways. My friend Libby once told her son how important it was to make lists so that you could cross the items off. She said he looked at her as if she were crazy. And another friend is always pleased to put a new country on her list of places she’s visited. Lists are still helpful to me. I am more organized when I can consult my list during the course of the day. It also gives me a sense of accomplishment to look at the list at the end of the day and see what I’ve done.

 One recent morning I was looking out my window at the mountains and making my list for the day, when I also thought about who I wanted to be that day. Another way of saying that is, “What qualities did I want to bring to the things I do?” That day I wanted to experience joy, gratitude, health and well being, and love. So I made that column one on my paper. My to-do list (what I wanted to do) included writing a flyer for our homeowners association’s long-range planning committee, working on my website, and exercising. That was column two. I didn’t stop there, though, and made a third column on my paper to write down why I was doing those things. I remembered that I was going to work on the flyer about distributing free fluorescent light bulbs because I am interested in our association’s reducing its carbon footprint so that we can be part of the climate change solution. Also, I am involved my association because it’s important to me to support my community and encourage a sense of connection. And I write my blog to connect, to give people ideas and tools to be more fulfilled, and that, I hope, leads to a better world. I want to exercise to keep my body and brain in as good shape as I can. Those are some of my ‘whys.’ In column four I wrote down when I wanted to do these activities. This  four-column list reminded me why I was choosing to do certain things, and what I wanted to bring to them.

 If you want to try this, take a piece of notebook paper or printer paper, turn it sideways, and divide it into four columns. Label the columns at the top Who, What, Why, and When. The first column is who you want to be that day. What qualities are you bringing to the world? The second column is what you want to do, the usual to-do list. Third is why you are doing it. I suggest making the ‘why’ as broad as you can (like the man who was erecting a cathedral as opposed to his co-worker who was just laying stones). In the fourth column put the time you plan to take action. See what kind of awareness this kind of list brings you as you live your day.

 P.S. The day I made this list I ended up spending most of the morning talking to my siblings to make arrangements for a trip we had planned. And I didn’t get to the blog. But I did work on the flyer and take a walk that day. And I did feel more joyful, more connected, and more grateful.

If I were to graph the months for my mood, January would be at the bottom of the chart. And not in a good way. Though I always cheerfully and hopefully celebrate the sun’s return at the Winter Solstice on December 21, there comes a time, like now, in the middle of January, when it doesn’t feel as if the sun is going to return. And that’s true even in New Mexico, even on a sunny, 50 degree day like today. It feels to me that although the weather might be good enough to be outside doing things, my body and mind are telling me to slow down, get quiet, clear out my head, and rest. And then I remember nothing’s wrong, it’s just time to take a breath or two and be with this quiet time of short days.

 Which leads me to the question I am regularly asked of whether a person will benefit from coaching if he or she doesn’t want to accomplish something. The answer is Yes. One of the principles of Co-active Coaching is to “forward the action and deepen the learning.” So even if a client is not forwarding the action, she can be deepening her learning.  Some clients need coaching to do less. Their lives are so full that they don’t have any down time, or so hectic that they go from one emergency to another, or so full of turmoil that they are running from one crisis to another. So it helps them to look at what they have to say no to in order to have the life they want. That’s similar to what I do at this time of year. I ask myself how to quiet down. How can I really experience every moment of my life?

 I work with clients who want to live more in the present. Their lives may be fine and full, but these folks want the real, juicy, moment-to-moment experience of life. They want to be at work while they’re at work, fully engaging with their colleagues and clients, and they want to be fully with their families when they’re at home, enjoying their spouses or playing with their children. These people manage to get a short walk in during the day, to look at the trees or the mountains, or take a few minutes to breathe deeply. Their goal is to be in the stuff of living life. Not to be where they were, or where they’re going. But to be right here. This can take even more focus and attention than accomplishing a more tangible goal.

For me, choosing to live a life of fulfillment requires me to challenge myself, even if it is to do less. So I’m going to work with my coach this month on how to slow things down so that I can figure out what I really want right now, what I want to do or not do, and what I can take off my plate to enjoy life more and just to be.

I hope 2009 was a fulfilling year for you. When I think over what’s made it fulfilling for me, I find myself thinking about my values. Fulfillment and values go together. Fulfillment is one of the three major principles in the Co-Active Coaching Model. (The other two are Balance and Process. See Whitworth, et al., Co-Active Coaching, 2d Ed.) Living according to our own values is at the center of a life of fulfillment. Helping clients identify their values and then pointing out when values are honored is one of the primary ways as a Co-Active Coach I support my clients to lead a life of fulfillment.

We can identify our values by looking at experiences we enjoyed and asking what values we honored. Giving a reading of my new book that most of my friends attended at my favorite book store in Albuquerque was one of the most fulfilling events of the year for me. The values I expressed through having the book signing were self-expression, communication, family, friendship, fun, and supporting local businesses.

We can also identify our values by looking at experiences that we didn’t enjoy and asking what values were not being honored or were being stepped on. I will never forget representing a small company against my better judgment many years ago. The values I stepped on in taking that work were integrity, using my intuition, not taking work I don’t like just for the money. The yucky feeling I had was the lack of resonance that came from ignoring my values. The best I can say is that I learned from that experience and finally ended the engagement.

 What is the impact of your values on your life? Knowing your values can help you make decisions. For example, answering the question, how many hours do I want to work, is much easier and more satisfying when it is done in the context of values. Is one of your values work? If you like to work, working long hours will feel different than if you hate your job. Or if your primary value is spending time with family and friends, you’ll probably be happier working less than more. Ranking your values will help you identify your priorities.  

 Your personal values and the choices you make can be thought of as a feedback loop. For example, thinking about where I’d like to be in five years also helps me think about my values, and knowing my values helps me answer the question of where I’d like to be. I’m currently enjoying Phillip Moffit’s book, Dancing with Life.  He says, “In my experience, what makes life worthwhile is living from your deepest or core values.” Being aware of your values helps you make fulfilling choices and avoid betraying yourself.

One way to get in touch with your values is to picture yourself in your favorite place. What’s it like? Who’s there? How do you feel? Describe your surroundings. Another visualization is to see yourself creating a new World According To You. When I do that, I think about how children are well-cared for and respected, natural resources are used sustainably, people are free to be creative, people’s unique gifts are fostered.

 Keeping a list of your values to refer to and add to over time will help you make more fulfilling choices.

 A few features I’ve identified that lead to stress (in no particular order) are

• Feeling that you have to put on a mask when you walk into your office – that you can’t be yourself;
• Dealing with problems that often take years to be resolved;
• Feeling as if you either are going to win or lose at any given time;
• Deadlines ( I love the name)
• Having to get clients;
• Working with people in the worst circumstances of life;
• Having severe consequences for your client if you lose the case;
• Working such long hours there isn’t time for a personal life.

 The first step is to be aware of the stressors that bother you. What do you like about practicing law? What don’t you like? Then, once you’ve identified what bothers you, two coaching concepts can help you reduce the stress. These two tools that clients have found to be useful are identifying your saboteur and changing perspectives.

The Saboteur

Something that is a stressor for one person can be exhilarating for another. One thing that causes stress in a variety of situations is the self-talk I like to call The Saboteur. The Saboteur is that gremlin that sits on your shoulder and whispers in your ear why you are not going to succeed. It can be the voice of a family member, a grade school teacher, or your alter ego. It says things such as, “who do you think you are?”, “you know you’re no good at _____”, “be careful!!!!!”. The ability to hear that voice when it’s tormenting you and separate it from reality (because it’s not reality) is useful. It helps to personify this voice, picture what the nasty thing looks like, and then send it away. With the saboteur gone, it is easier to distinguish an adverse ruling from being a judgment about what kind of lawyer you are.

Changing Perspectives

We all have points of view about everything. Why something can’t be changed, why that person is the way she is, what makes a good lawyer, what that judge is like, what my kind of law demands from me . . . . These are all perspectives. Every point of view is a perspective we have chosen, and chosen to believe. Once we realize that we have chosen our perspectives, and can choose other perspectives, we have found a powerful tool for being in charge of our thoughts and our choices. When I feel stuck in a particular place, I know it’s time to look at my perspective. If it seems that the situation is “just the way it is,” I make myself think of a different perspective. Instead of thinking that my co-worker doesn’t trust me and is trying to micro-manage my work, I can see that person as caring deeply for the end product.

These are just two tools you can use in reducing the stress in your work life. There are many other stressors and many other tools to deal with them. Most lawyers have learned a number of coping techniques and ways to deal with stress. It’s important to start with ourselves and what we CAN do to reduce stress. Often it’s just what we’re thinking.

 What does your saboteur say that stresses you out? How can you change your perspective about a co-worker, opposing counsel, or work situation that will make it less stressful for you? Answering these questions can reduce stress in your life.

            This topic reminds me of TS Eliot. “That’s how the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.”  That’s how our life is used up, not in dreams but in tasks, not on the highway, but on the treadmill. And from the music and lyrics from Cats, with thanks to Eliot,

“Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning.”  

            At this point in my life, I sometimes find myself asking, “Where did it all go?” But then that reminds me that I am still very much alive and I can still go for fulfillment in my life.

            Living small isn’t the result of some terrible thing that happened during childhood that stunted our growth.  I think it mostly happens because we’re doing something that someone told us would make us a good person—like cleaning our cupboards or organizing our sock drawer. It’s clear to me that life is not used up in big events like getting the Medal of Honor or saving a planeful of people who find themselves in a river, but in small, everyday choices we make — like to clean or not clean drawers.  So the question I’m asking myself is, what if you spent 15 minutes today, and every single day, working on your dreams? You may not have clean cupboards, but you just might get to travel around the world.

            That saying was embroidered on a beaded African belt I saw that caught my attention at the Santa Fe Folk Art Festival.  I love thinking about times in our lives where we have run into obstacles as times of commas. We may not know whether something is a comma or a period until after it’s over, like a serious illness, but I like the idea of taking a wait and see attitude about things instead of assuming the worst.  

            In my writing class I talk about using commas to make things clear or to put in a pause. We can use commas in our lives in the same way. When my husband was waiting for his liver transplant, we didn’t know whether he would live long enough to receive one, but he never lost hope that he was just ‘waiting.’ He kept looking forward to the transplant and being able to move on after that hiatus in his normal life. He experienced a big pause, but then went on.

            Sometimes a comma in our lives gives us time to think, or just to be. We can get a different perspective, or even go through a transformation, or maybe just rest. A co-worker told me her breast cancer gave her justification to slow down in her work life as a lawyer and spend more time with her family.

            We may think life has dealt a fatal blow, only to find recovery on the other side of it. Especially as we get older, it’s easy to think that a diagnosis of cancer or a brain tumor is the end of the road, but I know people in their seventies and eighties who have recovered from them. Resilience is a trait that needs age and experience to ripen. You have to have lived some and had some things happen to you to acquire the attribute of resilience.

            Often the event is not the end of life but the end of a relationship, an ability or skill, an activity, a way of life. These kinds of endings can feel like a period. When you can’t ski the black diamonds, or can’t hike the difficult trails, or need to stop running because of your knees, or you can’t play tennis, or a friend moves or dies, or you don’t have the money to travel the way you used to, or  you can’t breathe very well, it can feel like the end. But there are modifications, adjustments, compromises you can make. This is where experience and creativity come into play. As long as you can cultivate some curiosity, you can stay engaged and involved. Instead of focusing on what you can’t do, think about what you still can do. What are those things you never had time for before? Maybe it’s time for bridge, or bird-watching, or reading, or walking, or swimming, or meeting new people. The runner becomes the walker, the walker becomes the swimmer, the cook tries out new restaurants, the politician becomes the painter.

            And then there’s always love. As we get older, it becomes clearer that it’s not what we do but who we are that makes us someone other people want to be around. A person who radiates love is like a magnet. Others are attracted to you. We finally can learn the lesson that it doesn’t matter what we do, but who we are. That’s our essence. That’s what we came here for. And that’s something, someone, we can always be, regardless of the commas in our lives.